Messing with the Wrong Writer

By: Joseph Zeleny

The muscles in my wrists were cramping from the excessive typing.  My eyes were nearly bloodshot as I stared frantically at the flat screen. I was tired, hungry, and every so often would get a whiff of something I would pray wasn’t me.  But I was done.  Finally finished with what I felt was a strong article and was so proud of it, I must have read it to myself several times.  I opened my e-mail and sent the article to the client before getting in my sedan and trekking home.

The following day the client called me.  Refreshed and rejuvenated I listened as they sang the praises of my abilities.  They were going to post the article on their website and submit it to one of the local business magazines.  I must have puffed up like a proud daddy talking about how his daughter was up and walking at four months.  My employees described the look of content on my face as “irritatingly pleasant” which was indeed a rare appearance for me.

A couple of months went by of my working and every now and then I would think about the article.  On one occasion I realized I hadn’t looked on their website to see how my masterpiece of information and creativity proofed on a screen.  I couldn’t recall the client’s website address but knew I could simply type my words into Google and find it that way.  In my favorite lines went and after chewing on my query for what seemed like forever (2 or 3 seconds), the results popped up on top.  I clicked the link and went to a website that was by no means any clients.  My face went from excited and accomplished that I had found it, to confused and angered.

That was my article, but that was not my name.  Someone had stolen my article and claimed it as their own work.  You ever feel your heart pound through your chest like you ran too far chasing your dog?  Well my keyboard sat in fear, as did everything else around me that wasn’t bolted solid to the ground.  I inched over every word as I confirmed this wretched kidnapping of my intellectual baby.  I fell back in my chair and could feel the vein in my forehead surge with blood.

Someone had stolen from me and hadn’t even altered a single word.  With every passing moment I worked hard to calm myself so I could decide what to do.  Yes, inherent thoughts of violence came as I saw my text filled daughter before me as someone else claimed her as his.  My mind wondered how effective a phone call would be and if I could truly be civilized with the criminal who violated what was mine.

But then it happened.  The thing that happens to me as my blood pressure lowers and my cerebellum is given time to function.  I forgot about what he did in the past, and focused on what I could do to his future.  I found other articles that he had done the same thing on and found their real authors informing them of what I was doing and begging them to do the same thing.  With well over a dozen people agreeing to follow what I said by the letter, and the instructions in hand, I was ready to make my move. 
He never saw it coming.

On a late Friday night I put my plan to action.  I emailed the perpetrator and told him that he was stealing an article that did not belong to him and if he did not take it down immediately I would seek legal action.  I did the same thing on Saturday and Sunday hoping and grateful that he never responded or took down my article.

That Monday morning I along with at least a dozen other people notified his website designer, his registar, and his hosting company of the violation and cited that I had attempted to contact him several times.  I informed them all that they were knowingly taking part in an illegal act and that they would be named in my impending lawsuit as I had now contacted them as well.  I received confirmation e-mails from the other victims that they had done the same thing.

Later that day I received an e-mail from the webmaster that he was unable to do anything as the site had been taken down and the URL was suspended.  He apologized and let me know that he informed the client that he would no longer be doing any websites for him.
In one fell swoop I had not only taken care of my issue, but had his website and his URL disabled.  I was even notified by the hosting company that they had complied and if I needed his website files for court they would gladly supply them to me along with a written affidavit of the actions they took.  It included cancelling his account and his nineteen other websites. The domain company sent me an email that they had fully disabled his domain registration and he would no longer be able to register domains from them.

So he lost all his websites, probably upset a lot of people, and could not simply smile when his hand was caught in the cookie jar.

I cut off his hand.