My 1st Real Life Discovery

My child hood seems to be littered with a myriad of events ranging from the obscure to the bizarre. Some I recall, others don't seem to exist anymore. Nonetheless, I have a vivid recollection of my first major discovery in life. You know.....the one that seems to mold your core being, shapes you into what you really are beneath the exterior facade you wear in public everyday. The thing that makes you a serial killer or a born again believer in the liberating name of Jesus Christ. Whatever. It's the essence of your being and appears at first glance to occur only once in your life........ BULL! Not in mine anyway.

I recall an overcast morning, kinda warm, no wind.....early summer maybe. It was early, I mean real early. Like 5 or 6 in the morning (showing my age). For a kid of 2 or 3 it was probably about right. Anywho, I had this unction to do something that seemed perfectly rational at the time, but would later turn out to be a major no-no.

Not only did I decide it was the righteous thing to me to do, I figured to include my younger brother in on this remarkable adventure. So I woke him up and proceeded with my journey into the unexplainable. (I wasn't stupid, you always take an unknowing victim with you.)

For this journey we needed to be properly attired so as to be ready for that eventful moment when the realization of the dream became a fact of life. This by itself posed a not-so-serious problem. How many clothes can a 2 & 3 year old get into or out of? During the 50's....not many.

Now the journey began in earnest. Delighted by or newfound freedom brought on by the suits we were wearing, it was out the door of our second floor apartment and into the street.

Now this being our first real life adventure and Mom wasn't around to show-n- tell, we played it like pros. What would you do? We stuck our little heads up high and acted like we owned the world, strolling down the street, not a care in the world. Man....life was good and we were livin' large.

Oops! Spoke too soon. Who is that man and what does he want? We had wandered down the street to the hill where the railroad tracks crossed. As we were about to walk down them, this old guy in a bad suit stopped his car, got out and came over to the exact spot we were standing. He acted a little odd though. He was, like, bent over and rather condescending as I recall. Kinda like the "Want some candy" guy.

Being only a mere child, we politely cooperated with the old guy as he asked all the usual crap, like what's you name, where do you live, etc, etc, etc. Now you have to realize that for me to be having an intelligent conversation with this guy, I had to be pretty damn smart. (was & am)

After wading through all the kiddy talk this geezer was babbling, he figured it to be in the public's best interest to take us home. How he conned us into that car I'll never know (musta been related to the jerk in the first story). Anyway, he hustled us off towards the housiendo.

Meanwhile my little brother hasn't said one thing. Not even a burp. Nada. He's just looking at me wondering what the hell is going to happen next. Not scared or any of that sissy crap, just that vague "I trust you even though you may get me killed" look. I think he may have actually believed I was onto something big. He found out I was right a few years later (16, I think).

From the time I decided to take this plunge into reality to the time we made it back to the apartment was probably only 20 minutes, but in the mind of a child, seemed like eternity (that's why it molds you) We were back! My brother, the old fart, and me, the instigator, the black sheep, the "Billy Bad Ass". Oh, what the hell, I'll say it.......The only one stupid enough to pull such a harebrained stunt.

This old guy knocks on the door, as if we couldn't let ourselves back in, and wakes up Mom AND Dad! We're in deep s*** now! We didn't know it though. Look at it from our point of view. We're young, unattached, no debt or nagging responsibility (other than potty time), and we've just returned from our first adventure in the real world and not a scar on us. You can bet we thought we were something.

Anyway, the door opens and there are the parents, looking down at us in sheer amazement. The old guy wants to know if we are their kids. Dumbfounded they answer in the affirmative and ask where he found us. After briefly explaining the encounter and the parents thanking the guy, we're not so gently ushered into the apartment.

Mom wanted to know whose idea this whole thing was and Dad just wanted to get on with the punishment segment of the program. Mom won. I fessed up and Bro still hasn't said a word. Then it hit me. I shouldn't have taken a stoolie with me. I just knew that he had set me up and that's why he never said anything.

Wait a minute. How'd he do that? That's not the point. It's what I wanted to believe at the time. How could he, in his youth, ever hope to understand the awesome magnitude of this adventure and its true purpose in my life? How could I have been so foolish as to thinking that our goals, dreams, aspirations and beliefs could or would be similar just because we were brothers? I let him off the hook.

Mom looked at my brother and then looked at me. There was concern, love and a great deal of puzzlement on her face. All I could do was crack up and ask if I could do it again. That's when my BABY brother showed his true colors. He began to bawl at the top of his lungs. I had lost my partner in crime and found myself alone with a thousand unfulfilled dreams just wanting to become reality. YES!!!!

Needless to say, we both got our butts spanked by Dad and lectured by Mom. Still.....all-in-all, it turned out rather nicely. I found out what I wanted to know about what I wanted to know and had a few bonuses thrown in.

Want to know what I learned? Didn't think so......but I'm going to tell you anyway.

A. New is good.
B. Adventures can be fun.
C. Old farts have no sense of adventure.
D. Adults just don't get it.
E. Don't go looking for women at age 3.
F. DON'T RUN AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD NAKED!

Yep! You got it. We were wearing our birthday suits. I knew deep down in my soul what I wanted. A female.......and I was going to be ready! Now you may think this is not the way to go about getting a sex partner, but at my age, what do I know.

The moral of this episode escapes me, but the end result will never change. I became a stud muffin at age 3. At 16, I evolved into (biker terminology) "a bitch magnet". At 40 something, all the years of experience and adventure qualify me as an experimental genus.

It's great to be alive and well, living in a world that allows us to pursue our childhood fantasies.

Thanks world, whatever you are.