"This isn't right...you can't just walk up and steal someone else's opening story line. My humblest apologies to C. Dickens."

Anyway, I wasn't really born (according to my mother). The story she told was far from a simple birth by cesarean or au natural or any of that Holistic crap. What she related to the masses (me included) was the following tale of dementia.

It was a normal day in the foothills for this slightly normal group of people known as the "T's". The sun was shining, birds were singing, Granddad was out playing heavy equipment engineer, Grandma was minding the trailer, and Mom, well Mom was being kinda' wistful as she walked down an old dirt road.

Mom was a pretty thing. Tall, raven haired, not too busty, not too hippy, kinda' what you would expect in a 50's bathing suit model. Needless to say, she was something of a looker. This day however was slightly different. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she knew it was. As she tried to nail it down, her mind drifted back to the reasons she was in this sleepy little town.

Somewhere around the age of 15, Mom had discovered the opposite sex. I mean she DISCOVERED! She was never really certain what her initial motive was for doing it the first time, but she knew she would be doing it a lot more. She did.

There was this guy, a real turkey so to speak, who definitely had the hots for Mom. She didn't know a whole helluva lot about people, being rather naive and young at the time, so she decided to do the wild thing with this bozo. Not once, not twice, but a whole bunch!

Well, this turkey, being a consummate BS artist, decided that he needed to marry her. This sat real well with the rest of the family as they didn't want a scandal or any illegitimate kids. Trouble was, he had never developed a sense of responsibility worth a damn. You got it.....He bailed out. But not before he had knocked Mom up four times, first two of which ended up badly. One still birth and one miscarriage. Not the kind of stuff good childhood memories are made of.

By this time Mom's parent had gotten to the breaking point, what with having to put up with a jerk and having to take Mom to the hospital on a regular basis. So, everybody came to a mutual agreement. Mom would live with her parents and travel around the country doing whatever it is that heavy equipment engineers do (roads, bridges, etc.) and the turkey would go back to whatever scum pond he surfaced from.

As she drifted down the road of her past and the road she was on, Mom became aware of a movement, (or was it her childlike imagination) coming from a place just a little further down the road. As she drew closer to the area, that feeling came back in a wave. Something incredible was in the wind, but she wasn't sure whether to embrace it or run like hell.

Naiveté‚ crept in again, or was it merely youthful optimism? Anyway, she chose to find out what it was she saw and satisfy that inner urging.

As she got closer to what she thought she saw, a calm came over her and she knew at that moment that something was about to change her entire life. She crept up quietly to a spot just off the side of the road and began to scan the area at her feet for the slightest sign of movement. Nothing.

Disappointed she sat down and sadly reflected on her folly and silently cursed her inner cravings for leading her on another wild goose chase. She was such a dreamer. Always looking for the best in people. Always wanting what she couldn't have. Never doubting that she deserved better. But most of all.....she craved love. Unconditional love. The kind that gives until there's nothing left and then finding more to give until there's nothing left of the person who desires it. Mom wanted more than anything in the world to be able to give without question or remorse that kind of love.

As she was about to get up and leave, full of sadness and emptiness, that feeling came upon her again, but much stronger. Then she saw it! Just the barest hint of motion coming from a spot that shouldn't welcome that sort of activity. A rock! Maybe it was just a snake, or maybe a lizard. Whatever it was, she had to know.

She edged up to the rock ever so quietly and paused, heart racing, blood pounding in her ears. What am I doing, cried her inner voice. These are not the actions of a sane person. What if it's a poisonous snake and I get bit? What if it's a nest of spiders? What if........? All the same, she knew she would turn the rock over. It was just a matter of time.

Bracing herself, she edged slightly backwards on both knees, buns in the air, dress flapping in the summer breeze, and extended herself forward as far as she could. The fabric of her blouse pulled taunt across her breasts causing her breath to come in short gasps. She was becoming eagerly excited by the prospect of her discovery.

She touched the rock and was surprised to feel it's unusual warmth. The surface of the rock was exceptionally smooth and had the feel of a newborn's bottom. A pulsing glow seemed to emanate from beneath the rock. Hesitantly she grasped the rock in both hands, took a deep breath and lifted.

To this day, the look of utter amazement that was on her face when she saw what was under that rock, will never be describable. I mean, this woman was blown away. You could have knocked her down with a word.

It was ME! I was found under a rock in the foothills of the Superstitions by the only person who could ever supply me with the necessary nurturing and care that would be required to raise me all these years.

It's like, how do you raise a kid who was born naturally stoned?

Carefully!

Thanks' Mom, wherever you are!