I wrote this during my college years, at the height of my insecurity.  I got a lot of feedback about it!  Three years later, although my vocabulary and writing style have improved, the feelings of inferiority remain.

Image is a terrible thing.  I know, because I’m a victim to it on so many levels.  Like the picture says, “reckless insecurity makes me the voluntary prisoner of society.”  I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m self-conscious.  It should more than obvious;  My workout schedule is excessive and religions, my fashion budget is obscene, and my preparation ritual in the mornings makes my day an extra hour longer.

It’s ludicrous, I know.  That’s the ironic thing about it… I can make artwork that promotes an awareness of social shackles, but my ethics aren’t there.  That is to say, I’m going about it all wrong.  Creating an image of myself, and the body that I’ve designed to appease the gods of American Culture, isn’t help for the cause.  Neither, for that matter, is posting such an image on Myspace.com.  It adds to the irony, to the tragedy, to the sad hopelessness of this situation.

I wasn’t kidding… I’m a voluntary prisoner.  I know that the true beauty of people lies in their hearts and their minds.  I can see people for the things they are, not the things they own.  Sadly, though, that vision is fading.  As I get older, I get bitter, get colder.  I’m becoming more judgmental, shallower with time.  It’s f***'d up, and I know how to stop, but I don’t want to.

Let’s face it: in today’s society, image is everything to popularity.  I might even argue that image is the leading factor in success, too.  In college, most guys and girls base their judgments on looks alone.  That’s so wrong, but how else are you going to decide who to approach, say, at the bar?  You have no way of knowing what kind of person somebody is without making assumptions based on their image in the context of our society.  What we wear says a lot about our interests.  Surf and skate clothing are indicative of personality, as much so as are a black trench coat and a pair of tall boots.  Unfortunately, and unconsciously, we are shouting ourselves out loud to the world.

Our bodies are less representative.  Body type has little or no correlation with interests, save athleticism.  You can see that people are either interested in health, athletics, or fitness based on their musculature and form, but this isn’t always true.  Some people are naturally ‘skinny’ or ‘fat’, but those are terms that I use with hesitation.  The point I’m trying to make is that our bodies only speak on our desire to fit into society’s standards; specifically, whether or not we’re buying in.

A kid like myself couldn’t help but ride the bandwagon.  I’m naturally shorter, and I’m Asian.  I mean, honestly, all the kids in high school made me look like a 5th grader.  So, my only choice, in my mind, was to try to get bigger, to work out.  I thought that people would respect me more if I was going to the gym, if I was buff.  So far, people haven’t proven me wrong.  Whilst I originally began working out for shallow purposes, I’ve changed my ways.  I do it now for the health, and I’m not lying to you.  I only drink soy-based milk now, and I don’t eat chips unless I absolutely have to.  Fast food is a rare treat to me, and soda has been completely eliminated from my diet, along with most other liquids.  I only drink water and orange juice now (with bar nights as the exception).  I buy 12-grain bread for the sandwiches I make every day at work.

I’m not happy with the person that I am, physically.  Despite all my progress, despite my success, society is crazy.  The bar keeps getting raised, and it sucks.  With all these guys on protein now, or even steroids, boys are starting to hit the gym at younger ages, and they’re getting a lot bigger, and a lot faster.  I’ve never taken protein; that’s probably why I’m still so small.  It’s not like protein’s a bad thing.  I mean, your body needs a certain amount if replenishment after the physical strain.  It needs to rebuild.  Still, I’ve always prided myself on success with natural abilities and a regular diet.  Will I step up and try to join the pack again?  Am I going to give in and start taking supplements to make myself bigger?

Probably.  Like I said before: I’m not happy with who I am.  All I ever hear about is how skinny I am.  I wear a size 28 in most jeans, and that’s usually still a little loose.  That’s if I could find a 28, anyway.  Most stores will only carry one or two in each style of denim, and those don’t last long.  There’s not a lot of kids as skinny as me in college.  While most girls won’t admit it, it’s a setback for me.  They won’t say it, but what girl wants to date a boy who makes her look fat?  After all, women are subject to the same social pressures, although I feel that the weight is much more intense for them.  In summation, society sucks.  Our culture makes such harsh demands of us.  It’s hard for any kid to deny it; we want to be popular, we want to be found attractive, and, most importantly, we want to be respected.

I believe we all just want to be accepted.  For who we are and what we do.  Nothing more.  I’m still society’s slave, and it would take a complete social revolution to change that.  Until we realize, collectively, as a common people, that we’re strangling ourselves, we will not change.  All I ask is that you know that it’s not right.  Somewhere, inside, just remember that what you look like doesn’t matter, at least not to me.  Thanks.