On being gay and believing in God...A seeming contradiction

Taken from personal experience, the first step in the quest for spiritual acceptance is admitting to yourself that you are gay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it...

Disclaimer: THE TERM "GAY," AS CITED IN THIS DOCUMENT, REFERS TO:

A PERSON WHO HAS EXHIBITED HOMOSEXUAL TENDENCIES AND/OR HOMOSEXUAL BEHAVIOR FROM [BIRTH] AROUND THE AGE OF 3 YEARS, DURING WHICH TIME, THE COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE OCCURS ALLOWING FOR THE ABILITY TO RENDER THE EARLIEST [CHILDHOOD] RELATED MEMORY.

THE TERM, USED IN THIS CONTEXT AND FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS DOCUMENT, DOES NOT REFER TO ANY KIND OF "SUDDEN REALIZATION" THAT YOU "MAY" OR "MAY NOT" BE [GAY] ATTRACTED TO THE SAME SEX.

For reference purposes, I was raised Southern Baptist. My parents, especially my mother, made sure that my sister, brother and I participated religiously in Sunday school activities, yearly spiritual retreats, and that we attended "big church" as a family every Sunday morning. I grew up in a very small town, where you never heard of anyone you actually knew, or knew of, being gay. This was during the 1980s...I was born in 1980.

As a young child, age 8 or so, sitting in "big church" with the adults, I remember, not so fondly, our pastor delivering several sermons on the issue of homosexuality and its Biblical reference, quickly creating this notion in my innocent mind and the minds of others not so innocent, that homosexuality was a sin never forgiven...a one-way destination to Hell never to be denied anyone who even thought about the same sex in such a fashion...that according to Biblical scripture(s), it was the ultimate "abomination unto God"...that it was clearly written in the Word, and so it must be the truth. My heart was so broken...I was so utterly desperate for those words he'd reference in his sermon(s) to be wrong, that I had to read it for myself, word-for-word, as it is written in the Bible...and it is there, written exactly as he'd said it was...(I'll reference the verse(s) shortly. I don't know the exact scripture(s) off the top of my head, but I know the main one that references homosexuality as an "abomination" is located in the Old Testament Book of Leviticus in the Bible).

So, yes, by age 8, I had put a name to my condition. I knew that this was who I was; I was a homosexual, gay, lesbian or whatever you want to call it...an "abomination unto God" with no chance of ever going to Heaven...I was completely perplexed at the concept that God could condemn me (a good person) to Hell over something so out of my control.

Our preacher would lecture us (children and adults) about these homosexuals apparently lurking amongst the outside world as if they were demons...terrible, horrible, deviant people in the eyes of God and people who had consciously chosen to turn away from Him and basque in their (according to him) disgusting, selfish and sinful ways. There was this unspoken ideology that, yes indeed, gay people existed among society, but that if they were gay, they surely weren't members of our church congregation (the later part meant with the sincerest sarcasm). If my memory serves me correct, the Church may very well have been the first place I ever heard the term "homosexual(s)".

I had been baptized as a newborn and voluntarily chose to heed the calling for a subsequent baptism (a concept of being "born again" in the eyes of Christ) at the age of 12 years. By this time, there was no denying my tendencies...no question in my mind that I was what my pastor referred to as a homosexual. I struggled within myself, struggled with God, hated myself, resented God at some points for making me this way and/or not changing me, and for decades, I couldn't look anyone in the eye because I genuinely thought everyone could see right through me...that they would know immediately through my eyes (the window to my soul) that I was gay.