Most married couple having trouble think their difficulties stem from a single "cause" like in-laws, an act chronic nagging, and sexual incompetency. In rare instances, this may be true. But it can now be said with assurance that all of these "causes" are more likely to be warn­ing flags signalling the deeper crisis of an upset marital balance.

Experts in marriage counselling have long felt that the figure of speech "marriage is a seesaw" is true; that the ability of a husband and wife to "balance out" the total amount of emotional satisfaction each requires with the amount that each is able to give might well be the single most important factor in mari­tal happiness. Now a major national study charting the pattern of co-national supply and demand gets tilted out of equilibrium. Let's see how application of this "seesaw" theory works in the hands of a trained counsellor and a married couple who didn't understand the danger signals. Jack and Betty Shuster had been married for six years and had two children. As far as the Shusters were concerned, their only real problem was that lately they had been battling over money al­most constantly. "My husband gets furious if I go over our budget by even a penny,"

Betty complained. "And he insists that every charge account be in his name so he can examine every bill."

"Betty has no sense of values," Jack argued in his turn. "If I didn't keep track of our money, her ex­travagance would ruin us."

In subsequent counseling sessions, the caseworker probed deeply into the couple's relationship. Gradually a picture took shape of a marriage in which Betty was the more com­petent, decisive spouse, the one who ran the family. Jack kept his pride by handling the finances.

This arrangement had worked well for six years. What had hap­pened to upset the balance?

The caseworker kept asking ques­tions until Betty recalled that, short­ly before the quarrelling started, an uncle had died and left her $2000. Not a huge sum, but enough for Betty to open her own checking ac­count and buy small luxuries for herself and for the family.

"Here, of course, was the un­balancing factor," the counsellor told me later. "Jack felt that he had lost control of the only part of the mar­riage where he was boss." Fortu­nately, the caseworker's insight showed the Shusters that things weren't so bleak after all, and they were able to achieve a workable balance, based on a less lopsided sharing of family responsibilities.

The idea for this kind of practical grappling with marital problems is no product of ivory-tower theoreti­cians. It came out of a wide-ranging review of cases handled by the 331 Family Service agencies stretched across the United States. These agen­cies are all members of the Family Service Association of America, a confederation of local private agen­cies sponsored by both religious and nondenominational groups. They conduct about half of all marriage counselling performed in the United States by professionally trained so­cial workers, family sociologists or psychologists. Their 3100 case­workers have all studied at a post­graduate social-work school and have interned under experienced workers.

To Dr. Dorothy Fahs Beck, FSAA's director of research, this vast storehouse of experience beck­oned with opportunity. So, in 1963, with a grant from the National Insti­tute of Mental Health, she and hun­dreds of FSAA caseworkers set to work to distill some basic ideas from what she calls all this "practice wis­dom." Two years and 9000 pages of observations later, a recurrent pat­tern of marital conflict emerged.

Conflict usually begins with an "early latent stage" of tension that may go on indefinitely or be so short that it passes almost unnoticed. "During this period," says Dr. Beck, "there is a feeling of 'something wrong' in the marriage that is sel­dom put into words. It may be dis­guised by a facade of agreeableness, or obscured by a process of mutual withdrawal. But the problem is not faced, and irritation builds."

Sooner or later, some critical event like loss of a job, arrival of a new baby, an illness, taking an aged parent into the home acts as a trig­ger, and the submerged conflict bursts into an open clash. To the less-aware spouse, this clash may be the proverbial bolt from the blue. To the other, it may seem to provide a welcome chance to seek a solution.

Here the road folks. Spouses may make compromises. Or the clash may die down and lead to an uneasy truce until the next trigger. Or the couple may head into major conflict, in which case destructive actions like drinking, adultery, and complete with­drawal widen the breach.

Few couples can see this pattern in themselves, however, without out­side help. This may explain why one out of four couples who seek counselling wait until they have separated and the marriage is all but dead. Yet, given the existence of even a residue of patience and love, a wise counsellor can help.

Take the case of Peter and Dot Hampton. They had been married for four years when they came to a Family Service agency. Peter, a sales­man, was a big man with a firm handshake and confident smile. Dot, a petite blonde, evidently adored her husband and was terrified at the thought of losing him.

"The complaints just poured out of Peter at our first session," the caseworker told me. Nothing his wife did was right. When he brought business associates home, she failed completely as a hostess. At other people's parties, she couldn't talk intelligently. "You know what bugs me most?" Peter asked aggres­sively. "When I go on a business trip, she'll call me two, three times a day to ask what she should do about the washing machine, or should she have the screens put up the little things she ought to be able to decide for herself!"

This pattern of a dependent wife and a dominant husband is a famil­iar one. Normally, such a pair bal­ance out each other's emotional needs. "When you were first mar­ried," the caseworker asked, "didn't your wife call you with 'silly' ques­tions when you were away?"

Peter admitted this was so. "And you didn't mind it, then?" the case­worker asked. "I guess I liked it," Peter said. "I never could stand women who try to take you over."

"But she hasn't changed. What has happened to you1?"

It turned out that about a year earlier Peter had been made a branch manager for his firm. After that, Dot's "helplessness" had begun to annoy him.

"Dot used to feed Peter's ego," the counsellor explained to me. "Now his need to feel strong and dominant was satisfied by his important new job. But Dot couldn't do anything about her dependency; her needs had not changed." This kind of re­versal where once-desired qualities in a spouse become hated is one of the least-understood threats to mari­tal balance. It took several months, but eventually Dot Hampton ac­cepted the fact that Peter's new emotional security was no threat to her, and she was able not to cling so much. This eased the burden on Peter, and he could be tolerant of her needs. Marital balance was re­stored.

While some marriages have conflicts that go too deep and have existed too long, most still contain the elements needed to re-establish new one. Here, drawn from the experience of Family Service counselling staffs are suggestions that can help any couple to recognize and deal with the warning signals of marital imbalance:

Be alert when family circum­stances change. The arrival of a baby, a switch to a new job or work schedule, or a move to a new home are probably the last things most people would think of as potential threats to marriage. But they should be among the first to consider.

Don't ignore the physical symptoms of anxiety-excessive fatigue or a vague sense that "everything is slipping." These often signal the beginnings

Are there any unusual new groupings or "alliances" within the family? A person whose emotional needs are not being met by his spouse may turn to children or in-laws or parents for gratification.

If there is a drop in marital satisfactions during a time of stress, make every effort to adjust. The ability to tolerate periods of emotion­al deprivation is a hallmark of a good marriage. Giving in to the urge to "get back at" a partner tilts a mar­riage even further out of balance.

Cultivate the skills of patience and flexibility that help restore bal­ance to a marriage. As one case­worker said: "Breakdowns don't happen because of differences. They happen because a couple can't han­dle those differences."

Says Dr. Beck, "If each person is able to give enough of what the other needs emotionally, the mar­riage works. This does not mean that all of a person's needs must al­ways be met. Nor must the giving and getting be absolutely equal. It means that each spouse's basic needs must be satisfied enough of the time so that the ratio of satisfaction to frustration is tolerable to both."