Colorado Ski Trips for Dummies

So you're planning a ski trip here to Colorado huh? As your typical Coloradan - one who greatly appreciates the benefit that valued tourism brings to our local economy - let me be the first to say: "Get out of the way!"

No. Um, sorry. What I meant to say is: "Welcome!"

We hope your stay is pleasant, and we remind you not to forget those important items. Bring your warm clothing. Bring your sense of adventure. Bring your health insurance card, because you'll need that for the ER.

What's that you say? You don't plan on breaking your leg? Ha! That's a good one.

But there are some things you can do to ensure your ski vacation will create memories that will last a lifetime. Or at least until your dementia kicks in.

1) Bring the entire family.

Do you have small children? Good. You can sell one of them to help pay for the lift ticket. Make sure you bring the other kids too, because skiing offers a great way for you to bond with the entire family.

For example: You'll be sashaying down a slope with your 16 year old daughter, when at some point you'll turn to her and say, "Lisa, isn't this fun!" And Lisa won't hear you, because she's stopped to flirt with a cute 25 year old ski patrol guy named "Ryan."

But never mind her, you and your son will do some bonding while on the chair lift. You'll ask him, "This is great. Are you having a good time?" And he'll say, "Brrrrrrrr," because it's cold. And you'll say, "Buck up son. It's not that bad." And he'll show you how his left ear is blue, so it'll be your job - as the responsible and caring father figure - to reassure him that he has another perfectly fine, non-frostbitten ear to use.

Which leads us to our next tip.

2) Dress warmly.

We know that some of you come from warm locales, where people panic and schools close when the thermometer gets below 67 degrees. But it's not like that in the mountains. We sunbath nude at 22 degrees, meaning we have to find all sorts of creative places to apply sunscreen. But that's not my main point, which is that you should dress warmly.

You should also take to heart the old adage from our mother about dressing in layers. I'm talking about putting on long underwear, shirts, sweaters, jackets, and jackets on top of jackets, so that after you're done dressing yourself, you will have all the mobility of one of those giant Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon floats, and just as much sex appeal.

In the end, you have to realize - as most of us mountain natives do - that there is only one true way for you to combat the cold and to stay warm.

Hang out at the bar.

Speaking of which:

3) Drink lots of liquids.

We're at higher elevation here, so the health experts say you should drink lots of water. I personally follow this to a tee. Granted, my water happens to contain hops and barley, but I say if the health experts didn't want us drinking lots of beer, they should have been more specific.

While we're talking about drinks:

4) Bring lots of money.

There's a national game that all communities play. It's called: "Squeeze every possible last cent out of the tourists." I was victim of it when I went to Orlando, and you'll be a victim of it when you come here. Sales tax, lodging tax, the super costly lift ticket, etc. I won't tell you how to come up with money to pay for a day pass, but never underestimate the earning power of black-market organ selling.

Things are more expensive at the ski resorts. Especially food like hamburgers. For example: Take that $4 you normally pay for a cheeseburger back home in Sioux Falls and double it. Add $2 extra for cheese and $3.00 for bacon. Now multiple that figure by 8% sales tax and add it in, along with a 15% tip and voila: you now have enough to buy a small soft drink, (cup is 75 cents extra). Here in Colorado, we weren't impressed by the 700 billion dollar Wall Street bailout figure, because that's basically a season pass and 2 cafeteria lunches.

But don't let this get you down, because our last tip is to:

5) Have fun!

A ski trip to Colorado will be something you remember for a long time. Probably at least once a month when you open up your credit card statement. But trust me when I say it will be worth it. Oh sure, your daughter ran off to Vegas with "Ryan," and yes, your son no longer has hearing in his left ear, but all in all a good time was had by all.

So share the experience with family, friends, and co-workers back home, because they'll eat it up. Brightly recount tales from the slopes. Show them your souvenirs and pass around your many photos.

P.S. Make sure you show them your leg cast.

Enjoy this article? Donate 37.5 cents (or round up to 38 cents) to: http://www.paypal.com using the email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it