Facing Fears

By SPIRETTE DOTTER

I can't say how many times I've pushed the thought of cancer and dying away from my mind throughout my adult years, and coped by not facing the reality of my fear. My grandma, mom, and two aunts died of breast and ovarian cancer, even my uncle died a few years after HE got a mastectomy for his breast cancer, and a younger cousin of mine is still struggling after her second life-threatening bout of cancer. My family history for it is lousy. The women in my family die young; my mom died at 58 and the others in their early 60s. I (in my forties) have been the oldest surviving female in my biological family for at least a decade. I have to say that I coped for years by NOT facing it. I couldn't handle the stress of worrying about it. My avoidance was so strong, that I didn't even do regular self checks, trying to keep myself from feeling anxious about it.

I guess I thought if I didn't think about it, it wouldn't affect me; but that all changed for me a year and a half ago. One month after my children's father died (he was also recovering from cancer at the time of his death), I was diagnosed with two separate types of unrelated cancers, was told I was going to die, that there is no cure, and that it wasn't worth treating aggressively, or "losing my hair over." Well, my days of NOT facing it were over. I got in gear fast....faced my fear straight on, and decided TO LIVE. I fired three sets of medical teams, including UCSF, until I could find a team to give me the aggressive chemotherapy, radiation treatment, and minimal surgeries I wanted. Today, I am fully in remission from both cancers, I have all my body parts, and I am cancer-free. My oncologist doesn't expect either cancer to return.

Will I die of cancer eventually? Maybe so, but today I choose to live. I face my fears by adapting my diet, getting frequent checkups, working to improve my ability to SELF-care (which is very hard for me being a caretaker of others) and maintaining a more positive attitude, grateful to be alive! Do I stress about my future odds? At times I worry, but for the most part I am not that fearful. The cancer and the dying isn't what scares me ...but not living well, or not finishing all that I was put here to do, does frighten me. I've lived through some horrendous traumas and experiences. It's made me stronger and courageous, and closer to God. In several ways, almost dying has been a blessing, and allowed me to live. It is a miracle that I am still here now, and I intend to live life to the fullest, even on those days which include painful feelings. I still have plenty of hardships, but I am here to experience all that I can. When it is time for me to go, I will take a wealth of knowledge from my keen mind, and a well of love from my heart with me, and hold those valuables dear to me forever on the rest of my adventurous journey forward in Heaven.

What is on my mind today? Today, I am thinking I would like to try to share a little bit of myself everyday with others. I am a writer; I'm an artist; I sing; and I love little children. I am very creative. If I can spend some time with a child and make him or her feel special, leave a song, some artwork, or some inspiring or heart-felt words with someone,...just a little bit everyday, then I will have made my survival instinct worthwhile. If I can make a bigger contribution, it'll be even better. If I can remember to thank God for my blessings every day, and really feel a deep and sincere gratitude in my heart, I will have had another successful day. If I can share those feelings, I couldn't ask for much more. ...That's what I'm thinking today.

This is my story of facing fears head on, and choosing life. Despite everything I've gone through, and everything I will go through still, I am blessed to be here now. May all your lives be blessed, and made easier through love. Peace and love to you all, and thanks for being here to read my story and make sharing so easy.

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