You are not logged in.
None
Other articles in Finance > Student
Introduction to Student Loan Consolidation 08 February 2009
| Money |
 |
 |
 |
| Finance > Student |
| Written by Haley Michele Potiker |
| Saturday, 24 January 2009 18:28 |
|
We as young college students are plagued with a very serious issue of shortage. I am not talking about a food shortage, or the shortage of oil, or even a shortage of qualified American leaders. No, this shortage is slightly more trivial, yet hits much closer to home. I am talking about a shortage of our parent’s income. This said money is not to be confused with the money our moms and dads are spending for our education, for our meal plans, and for our living situations. No, the funds we are short of is the type of money that buys fancy dinners, over priced latte’s, non-VIP door charges, and the jacket in the window of villains that you just can’t live without. We are short, my friends, of frivolous spending money. Now, we as a body are fully aware that the days are long gone when we could run up to our parents and ask for the cash to buy Johnny a birthday present, or go to the movies with friends, or treat someone to dinner. We gave up this luxury when we left home in pursuit of a higher education. We gave it up because we thought we had no other choice. But we were wrong. Next semester, if you follow my plan step by step, I can guarantee you will be rolling in more allowance than you conceivably know what to do with. The key to this strategy is constant, levelheaded conversation laced with subtle manipulation. I have found in my personal experience that my mother and father are hardly sympathetic to my desires to own new shoes, get my nails done, or buy rounds of expensive cocktails… so the truth is out of the question. I have also realized that displays of emotions such as insecurity and despair only work in the sort-run, and often only result in a visit from a nearby relative or a care package. That being said, the easiest and best cards to play in order to arouse long-term parental sympathies are threats to your personal safety and your unhappiness based on boredom and stagnation. An easy beginning to your project is accomplished with a series of late-night weekend phone calls. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, go somewhere quiet between the hours of 9 and 10 to call your mother, “just to talk”. Tell her about your day and say that you’re bored because there’s nothing good on TV. It’s better if she asks what your friends are doing first, but on the occasion that she doesn’t, find a way to bring it up. Say that they all went out to dinner and to the movies, so you couldn’t go because you don’t have the money. Explain that you sometimes get annoyed with your friends for being unsympathetic to your financial situation, but that you understand it would be wrong of you to make them miss out on things just because you can’t do it. Although this step is crucial to plant the seed of your financial situation into your parents minds, be sure that you do not imply in any way that it is their fault, because she will feel much more guilty if she comes to that conclusion herself. Let a couple weeks pass, then call excited because you got an interview for a job at a 24-hour diner downtown and an opportunity to make pocket money. Ask for advice on what to wear to the interview. Say that you are scared about juggling your school and work time, but luckily they said you’d be able to take the graveyard shift most nights of the week. Become passively indignant when they reject the idea, and be sure to reiterate how safe the bus system is. Finally, reluctantly agree that it could be potentially dangerous to work in the city in the middle of the night. Next, call to tell them about how well you did on a huge paper. Happily boast that your teacher read it aloud as an example of quality work in all of his classes. Tell them he said the only reason he had to give you a B was because you printed it on the backsides of flyers you took from the university center. Ask whether they think that was a fair thing to do, but don’t get upset about it. When they ask why you printed your paper on flyers, say that you couldn’t afford paper and that your roommate was getting sick of lending it to you. This time, wait for their call. When you answer, act distracted and ask a lot of questions regarding the legality of doing other people’s homework for money. When prompted, make up an obviously fake story about “your friend” that has been doing it for a while and is worried about getting caught. Be sure to stutter a lot and make conspicuous references to yourself. Cut the conversation short because you are so swamped with… uh… homework. A while later, call ecstatic about a new restaurant you just went on a date to that you absolutely loved. Describe the atmosphere, the food quality, the service, and the music. In fact, mention everything except whom you went with. When you are asked, shift your tone and become defensive. Make vague, general statements before finally cracking and admitting the relationship is a bit abusive. Laugh it off and say “but hey, it’s a free meal!” The final step of the plan requires the help of a friend. Call at an extremely late hour – 1 or 2 in the morning should be fine. Apologize profusely for waking your parents, and proceed to ask if they would look up bus routes online because you’re lost… alone… on foot. During your apology, explain that you would hail a cab, but you don’t have any money… at all. As they are groggily searching 511.org and finding out that the vast majority of busses have stopped running, have a friend yell out to you, offering you a ride. Accept their offer and when your parents protest, reassure them that hitchhiking is something that you do ALL the time. Explain how cheap and convenient it is. Say you’ll call when you get home safely. When you get home, call. Be prepared for ear-shattering panic and hysteria… and an eventual insistence that they provide you with more money. You may reject their offer at first, but be sure to do so on the grounds of pride, rather than by saying you are doing fine. Accept the money with a statement such as “your right, maybe I do need some help, I guess I need to learn how to swallow my pride.” This will make your parents feel that by giving you free money they are somehow instilling in you a life lesson about being humble. I wish you all good luck on the successful extortion of your parents. Thank you. |
|
|