this is my first blog or article so please bare with me.

my brother gave me this site and told me to write that its good for the soul. so here i write and i hope i can feel my heart or somewhat of my soul when i finish.

life is an occasion, rise to it. when i heard this..i wondered wow thats a powerful statement but now pondering life as i lay in bed and write i think that its BS an occasion?? what do people consider an occasion?  a miracle? a birthday? something as small as seeing a child takes its first steps..and even then what are you rising too? i am having such a difficult time in my life right now and im only 18 i know people might laugh reading this and think wow she has her whole life ahead of her she doesnt know anything..but what if i dont want my whole life..what if i think its a mistake.. that ive been here too long someone took my spot for me where ever that may be. im confused. im sad. im mad. im nervous..anxious..excited..lonely..and misunderstood. all those things just trapped..ive been pretending for so long that i feel like ive lost myself in this deep abyss. that i look at myself in the mirror every morning and feel like im nothing that im invisible. most people if asked how to explain me would say in order bitchy..outgoing..loud..angry..funny..cool..and sometimes kind. i only feel invisible to myself..when im around people i feel like i have to be the loudest or the most outrageous so that they dont see my weakness and my tears. i didnt use to be like this. i dont know whats happening..darkness seems to envelope my life more and more..someone anyone please please please show me the light show me a miracle tell me there are things and places and people worth living for things worth seeing...anything of worth. i want to love i want to live i want breathe i want to cry i want to laugh i want to sing i want to dance.

my favorite.

to go to hell but not to die, why live, in a life of lies,
to see the past but not to think, to die of thirst but only
to drink, the dirt and dust we left behind to live a life we'll
never find.

what's life? a life of death, to say your sorry with your last breath,
to see the girl but not the daughter, to see the ocean but not the water,
to see the sun but not the light, to live in darkness all your life,
a life of lies, to live to die, to see the world as it goes bye. to
see your blood leave the mess, to say your sorry with your last breathe.

with everything in my soul.